My Murderous Roommate

+ some delightfully vicious videos

Art by the accomodating and talented M.E. Beckley, otherwise known as

The Chronicler

¹

I have a confession to make.

For the past ten months, I’ve been living with a murderer.

This might sound problematic coming from a lawyer, but hear me out.

It wasn’t my fault. The story of how it happened is detailed here.

But alas, it’s true. Ever since March 31, 2023, a genuine, cold-blooded killer has been stalking the halls of my apartment every day, looking for prey. But not just any kind of prey: my roommate only hunts those creatures he considers worthy of his time.

Mostly, they take the form of mouse- or insect-shaped toys manuevered by deft human hands, and more often than I’m comfortable with, various parts of my own body (my arms being held in especially high regard). Sometimes, though, prey of a more advanced level will find its way into our home, and that is when the real fun begins.

So far, they’ve come in two varieties.

There’s the ground-based bug, with its two most common varieties: the black beetle and the stink bug. These specimens are truthfully not much fun to chase, as they are not especially crafty—their movement options are limited and their flight pattens predictable—but once caught and trapped, they really struggle. My companion likes to keep them alive as long as possible, playing with their psyches, making them think they’ve got avenues of escape when really they were done for the moment they stumbled into his furry grasp.

But it’s in hunting the other type of prey that my murderous co-ocupant truly gets to stretch his legs. I’m talking about the fly.

Oh, yes. Watching my abile companion follow these nimble, quick creatures with his eyes, trying to predict their movements and bait them into corners, or chittering to them in an attempt to confuse, is a delight. Perhaps this speaks to my own sadism, but if so, I’ll venture to say it’s only that level of sadism that exists in all of us.

For who can attest that they’ve never been entertained by videos of cats hunting things?

Videos such as this one:

Or this one:

Or, if you’ll indulge me a moment longer, this one:

I find it fascinating how approximately 220 million households in the world are home to these serial murderers. You know, if dogs, or really any other domestic animal, were to suddenly start exhibiting behaviors similar to cats, it would spark a revolution the world as we know it would not survive. Yet, we regard cats as normal, functioning members of our society. Even when they treat a loose strand unspooling from our favorite sweater as their mortal enemy, and ruining said sweater forever as their life’s mission.

I mean, think about it: all cat games and toys are designed to complement their violent lifestyle. There are plushies shaped like mice, an assortment of tools for them to keep their claws sharp, and those fishing rod-shaped things meant to mimic insects and birds in flight, complete with feathers and little bells to make them easier victims.

What is it about cats that makes us overlook their murderous behaviour?

Perhaps it’s because we share about 90% of our DNA with them (as opposed to the measly 84% we share with dogs).

Or because they love to sit like this:

And their paws look like this:

And they love to stick their tongues out, like this:

Alas, this is a question no single human can answer.

Therefore, I’d like to hear your thoughts down in the comments.

Tell me, how does your cat get away with murder?

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1. Need art for a project and want it to look this cool? You can find more info about commissioning

The Chronicler

here.